Tobias and Jube and the Something Hat Mystery: The Euphonious Companion

by Patrick Alexander's Melody Zone

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1.
Jube and Tobias, Tobias and Jube They look like they were squeezed from a tube No corners or edges, unlike a cube A flower has a colour And a bee goes on a flower And ‘hue’ means colour So that makes ‘hube’ I’m not a libar — this is all trube! I am Tobias and I’ve got two arms I don’t use them to cause troubles or harms I feel how I do and I show how I feel My best friend’s hube is lighter than teal It’s also lighter and bluer than viridian Yellow or pink is also forbiddien My name’s Jube and I am alive There’s only one of me, which is fewer than five It’s less fewer but still fewer than three And two is twice as many as me It’s equal to four, if you quadruple it From a rabbit’s bum you can get a poo pellet Together we laugh And experience joy This is the end of our bit Usually polite but rarely pious Eschewing racial prejudice and bias Coming into town And knocking shops down And making small business owners cry, “God, why us?” This is all the truth-us — I would never lie-us Tobias and Jube, Jube and Tobias
2.
There’s adventure everywhere you look, if you just open your eyes (Yeah yeah) Although your eyes would be open anyway if you were looking in the first place (I was gonna say) Well, the point is, we can have an adventure now (Really??) Anything can be an adventure if you let me show you how (Yes please!) (Aw yeah) Bicycle adventure! We could take apart a bicycle and wear the wheels like hats And become influential fashion designers and make everyone wear concrete (Nice!) Pumpkin scone adventure! We could take a crumb from a pumpkin scone and feed it to an ant And the ant becomes our lifelong chum, and he plays a tiny piano (Awww!) Lunchbox adventure! We could fill a lunchbox with our dreams and launch it into space And years from now, we find on our doorstep a container full of alien dreams (Cool!) Salt adventure! We could stir some salt into a bottle of milk and put it back in the fridge (Hey, what?) And wait to see our housemate’s reaction when he has his breakfast cereal (So that was you!) (All right Jube, now it’s your turn!) (What?) (Yeah, c’mon matey, you’re up to bat, c’mon three-two-one-GO!) (No! No, no, I’m not— No, I’m not ready, I don’t want to!) Cup adventure! We... we could take a cup (Yeah) to somewhere that something exciting is happening… (Yeah, good start) and participate. And drink juice from the cup! (OK, try again) Church adventure! We could go to church and burn down the church and kill everybody inside (Whoa!) And they live with God in eternal happiness and we win the Nobel Peace Prize (No! No, no! That’s not what would happen) Spoon adventure! We could peer at a spoon and cross over into the upside-down mirror world Where we fall endlessly into the sky and have to live on the moon (Now you’re getting it!) Stick adventure! We could carve a stick into a spear and use it to hunt for meat And eventually develop agriculture, and before you know it the sun explodes There’s adventure everywhere you look, if you just open your eyes Alternatively you could keep them closed and use your imagination (Oh, good point) Well, the MAIN point is, you can have an adventure now Anything can be an adventure and we just showed you how (Hey, Tobias. This, like, game would be fun for long car trips, wouldn’t it?) (Yeah! Good thinking, buddy. Or long train trips.) (Yeah, or trips through SPACE!) (Yeah, or trips to Hell after you burn a church down!) (Ha ha ha ha ha…)
3.
Mister Slug, chosen by Buddha Not a go-getter but nor a coulda-woulda Sweet like potato and plain like sugar The path you choose will shine like a booger Mister Slug, facing west Better than the worst but worse than the best Tough like steak and raw like eggs With his new best friend Aloysius Jumpylegs Mister Slug, back to the east Less than the greatest but greater than the least Mister Slug, left to the south The wind at his tail and dirt in his mouth Mithter Thlug, right to the north Thlithering thlowly ‘cauth he can’t ride a horth
4.
Forbidden wisdom, Concealed and arcane The power of the moon Directed through your brain The light of the night Moulded by your pinky finger Father, I have given you the knowledge And nigh draws the hour For you to use this power Father, You could grant breath and consciousness to statues made of rock Or transform a five-fingered glove into a one-foot sock Yet at the threshold you linger Like a cold plastic bag full of porridge Like there’s ice cubes in your gizzard Your feeble eyes implore me But your tired excuses bore me So I tell you once again: Dad, If you want to be a wizard You’re gonna have to kiss some men Father, Why don’t you kiss a man? We both know that you can There’s nothing stopping you From turning green grass blue (Or growing new cows from beef stew) Father, Why can’t you snog some blokes? Magic’s not all hats and cloaks And words said backwards ‘Pon some gents you must go mackwards You could fly to a distant star and be back before yesterday You could knit a pair of invisible mittens out of dark matter along the way You know the spells (You know the spells) You’ve brewed the potions You have performed (You’ve performed) Six of seven motions But all the rites I’ve taught Will culminate in naught If you’re too yella To smooch a fella Yah yah yah-yah yah, yah yah yaaahhh (Kiss a man!) Yah yah yah-yah yah, yah yah yaaahhh (Kiss a man!) Yah yah yah-yah yah, yah yah yaaahhh (Kiss a man!) Yah yah yah-yah yah, yah yah yaaahhh (Kiss a man!) Father, Why won’t you pash a dude? Kissing isn’t wrong or rude Unless you don’t ask Or neglect to remove your surgical mask Father, Why shouldn’t you neck a chap? His mouth does not contain a trap (His scratchy beard is covered in plastic wrap) He doesn’t taste like crap Or smell like poo He’s not unsightly or bad The only problem is you, Dad The only problem is you
5.
04:10
I might look like a little caterpillar I might look like a little caterpillar I might look like a little caterpillar I might look like a little caterpillar I might seem like a tiny caterpillar on a leaf Nothing but a drop of dew and me Am I a little caterpillar? I might look like a little caterpillar I might look like a little caterpillar I might look like a little caterpillar I might seem like a tiny caterpillar on a leaf But that’s your belief I am a camel! I am a camel! I am a camel! I am a camel! I am a camel! I am a camel! I am a camel, and I’ve got lots of friends! I am a camel (She is a camel) I am a camel (She is a camel) I am a camel (She is a camel) I’m a big, big camel (Oh what a camel) (La, la, la-la-la, la, la-la) (La, la, la-la-la, la, la-la) (La, la, la-la-la, la, la-la) (La, la, la-la-la, la, la-la) Well a camel, which is what I am, Is tall enough to ride a man Yes it’s easy to climb up a tree For a camel, for example me Well a camel, which is what I am, (I am a dromedarian strong furry lumpy mammal) Is tall enough to ride a man (A man can’t step on me) Yes it’s easy to climb up a tree (‘Tremendous’ and ‘fleet’ are my bywords) For a camel like me (And a camel eats birds) Camels live in the desert. That’s a place that’s yellow and empty. And in fact, you can see it from where we are right now. That’s right — I’m talking about the moon. I am a camel. I can live for a thousand years on a single drop of water. I am a camel. People show me respect, and if they don’t, I can spit in their face. I am a camel. I sing to the night, a sweet baritone roar, rolling across the dunes. I am a camel. And one day soon, I will become the biggest, hairiest butterfly you’ve ever seen. I am a camel I really am a camel Why doesn’t anyone believe me?
6.
03:12
Becky… Becky… Becky… Becky… I wandered, self-conscious as a cloud Sensing the beings below me Looking up at my bottom And saying, “That one looks like a duck.” Becky you don’t have to wear a moustache Becky wipe that eyeliner away Becky don’t you know that you’re so beautiful You should live today as if it’s your last day Becky you don’t need a special top hat What do you mean, is this top hat your top hat? I’m not even carrying a top hat Oh this one? No I brought this one from home Does it really look just like your top hat? Well, I’ve never seen it, so I wouldn't know Becky you’re distracted, The point is you don't need it, ‘cause Becky you don’t have to wear a moustache Becky wipe that eyeliner away Becky don’t you know that you’re so beautiful You should live today as if it’s your last day
7.
Whose eyes are like December skies with stars a-twinkling in? It’s Mari-ri-ri-rin, Mari-ri-ri-ri-ri-rin, Mari-ri-ri-ri-ri-ri-ri-ri-ri-rin The glow inside her heart expands a mile beyond her skin She’s Mari-ri-ri-rin, Mari-ri-ri-ri-ri-rin, Mari-ri-ri-ri-ri-ri-ri-ri-ri-rin A field of electricity Transmitting your felicity To all in your vicinity Oh, Maririn, is this enchantment or divinity? And whence the gentle fog that carries you above the dickens? Is it a cloud of pixie dust or just a flock of chickens? Maririn, O Mari-ri-ri-rin Where does joy end and you begin? (Whoooooa! Heeeyyy! [etc.]) Whose eyes are like the veil of darkness punctured with a pin? It’s Mari-ri-ri-rin, Mari-ri-ri-ri-ri-rin, Mari-ri-ri-ri-ri-ri-ri-ri-ri-rin A swarm of screaming demons from beyond is streaming in Through Mari-ri-ri-rin, Mari-ri-ri-ri-ri-rin, Mari-ri-ri-ri-ri-ri-ri-ri-ri-rin A power that is meant to kill Extending like a tentacle And tight’ning ‘round my ventricle And circulating messages that are not complimentrical And draining colour from the world, and wiping every grin off You stole the scene so thoroughly you’ll prob’ly get a spin-off Maririn, O Mari-ri-ri-rin Why does joy end where you begin?
8.
Whoa oh-oh oh-oh oh-oh Let’s go home for tea We found a hat And had a lot of questions Hat-related questions, yeah (Yeah) We rode to the sky On a magic potato But we couldn’t find the answers there (Oh no) We made a friend (We made a friend) A very tall friend Having trouble with her facial hair (It all worked out) It all worked out It worked out in the end Then it ended in catastrophe Whoa oh-oh oh-oh oh-oh Let’s go home for tea Oh-oh-oh oh-oh oh-oh oh-oh Let’s go home for tea (We’ve got a hat) We’ve got a hat We’ve got a magic hat And nothing’s gonna stand in our way (Oh no no no) We could go and rob a bank Or commandeer a tank (Bang bang) But it’s getting kind of late in the day (Oh yeah) The possibilities (Ho ho) Don’t sound as nice as cups of teas (Hee hee) Yeah some bickies and a spot of Earl Grey (Yummy) Then we’ll take it in turns To look like Friedrich Nietzsche Or someone else we’d like to be Whoa oh-oh oh-oh oh-oh Let’s go home for tea Oh-oh-oh oh-oh oh-oh oh-oh Let’s go home for tea (I’d like some scones, with cream and jam) We found a hat (We found a hat) And had a lot of questions Hat-related questions, yeah (We rode to the sky) We rode to the sky On a magic potato But we couldn’t find the answers there (We made a friend) We made a friend A very tall friend Having trouble with her facial hair (She couldn’t grow a moustache) It all worked out It worked out in the end Then it ended in catastrophe Whoa oh-oh oh-oh oh-oh Let’s go home for tea Oh-oh-oh oh-oh oh-oh oh-oh Let’s go home for tea Whoa oh-oh oh-oh oh-oh Let’s go home for tea Whoa-oh-oh oh-oh oh-oh oh-ooohhh…???

about

All the world is turning exuberant, Annie (1982)-style somersaults at 'Tobias and Jube and the Something Hat Mystery', the ALL-NEW, ALL-AGES, ALL-COLOUR, ALL-NONSENSE comic caper by Patrick Alexander (available via stela.com ). "Wow," the world says breathlessly at last. "Gosh."

And now... it's songs!

GALLOP UPON YOUR VERY EARS through a landscape of wonder and chuckles. Breathe airborne cartoon musical notes in through your actual nose holes. Scrub your filthy skin off in the clear, logorrheic brooks that twist through the forest beyond the horizon, where rainbows grow! Sit upon a mushroom and drink tea with the pixies. Now you are paralysed. The tea was poisoned. You will be a prisoner of the pixies forever, until the world you knew is long dead; dead with the sun and planets. You fool. You fool.

I don't know what genre any of these songs are.

credits

released September 25, 2017

All songs wroted and sunged and made by Patrick Alexander.
Mastered by Bill Cooney (Hirogarimusic.com).
Front cover artwork coloured by Lin Visel.

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Patrick Alexander's Melody Zone Tokyo, Japan

Patrick Alexander is very real and serious.

"The most serious best musician we've ever seened."
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"Do-Re-Mi! Rock around the clock! Music's not just for kids anymore."
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